StoryTime Live: Kill Me

Anna was excited when her friend, L showed up with her mom, L so we could all go to see StoryTime Live at the Hoby Center today. This was a kid's fest show that included on-stage acts of Nick Jr's Kai Lan, Backyardagains, Wonder Pets, and Dora. Anna's more interested in the latter 2, but not really addicted to any of them. Still, we thought it'd be fun.

We bought her almost $50 of crap before the show started, including a twirly-light-thingy.

Paul, looking around: "How'd we become one of THESE people?"

The lights dimmed, and she, like the kids around us, kept asking for Dora. Suddenly I look around and realize that in the crowd I'm in, if Anna lost her shit for some reason, I'd be empathized with, or, from the looks of this crowd, quite possibly hers might not be the worst tantrum around. Of course Dora is saved for last. Anna lost interest in her light-thingy immediately, though the kids around us (L included) were waving theirs to the pre-school beats as the music started.

Act I: WHERE'S DORA?
Act II: I'M HUNGRY

Crap, what, you mean an intermission (I'm sorry: POTTY BREAK)? FIFTEEN MINUTES?!
Paul: "Don't they know you're supposed to POWER THROUGH?"

Crap, out of animal crackers. And no, Anna, L didn't drink from YOUR cup. She just held it for you (lie).

She wants her shoes off. We oblige to keep the peace. But already I am feeling the need to haul her out during intermission to give her a Time Out I think she has coming anyway. Since I don't haul her out, I look around for the shortest escape route that I might take with her when the show starts.

I should have done the Time Out during intermission. Perfectly acceptable scream fest that always resets her attitude to cheery. No lie. It's weird, but it's true. A good scream/cry fest and her world looks much more tolerable to her I guess.

Ah, Wonder Pets. Well, she should be interested in this at least. Why are those people walking around behind large puppets? Aren't they supposed to just get into the turtle, duck, and hamster suits like the other acts? This is pretty weird. I wonder if Anna will notice. I'm supposed to watch the turtle, hamster, and duck but I keep watching the people. They're like...in plain view, working the big puppets.

I'm HUNGRY!
Where's DORA?

I make threat after threat, and BOY DO I HATE NOT FOLLOWING THROUGH ON THREATS.

My kid is the bratty, whiny kid. No, people: just because she's obviously an only child and you all have three or more each, and you appear to have your shit together at this moment, it doesn't mean she's spoiled. Nobody's looking at me like that but that's what I'm feeling. It's that whiny voice that makes me want to smack Anna into gratefulness.

Anna sits on Paul's lap and the look on her face is that of tired and interest and serious. The darkened room is getting to her, despite the obvious stimulus on stage. She's fighting tired. And now she's hungry and grumpy. Despite the bubbles that pour into the audience for stage effect. Kids dig bubbles.

Finally, Dora. At this point, she's thrilled. I guess. But she doesn't want us to talk to her much less get her to dance or repeat "insert Spanglish here" when Dora asks. If we try, she gives us the cat whine response that I hate so much. Yes, this is me. She gets it from me. The don't-look-at-me-and-expect-me-to-have-fun-and-act-silly-like-all-these-other-bozo-kids-even-though-I'm enjoying-myself-attitude.

And then Dora was over. The whole show was over. And the only thing I hear is my child, whining.

BUT I WANT TO WATCH IT AGAIN!
Great, glad you liked it, but it's all over now! Time to go have some lunch!

BUT I WANT TO WATCH IT AGAIN!

I'm sorry kid, but to whom do you belong? It can't be us.

And that was it, she bawled her stinking head off like a wahhhhhhhhhhhh lull all the way till we got into the car. The kind that just drags on and on. I pulled her aside and talked to her when what I really wanted to do was shake her, and it worked for a second. Then something set her off and the BAWLING continued. waaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Tired, eyes half open, waaahhhhhh.

Here I am carrying a $50 bag of CRAP, trying to exit gracefully, surrounded by lots of snotty noses who were otherwise cute, happy, and satisfied. Why was my child the only one, at 3.5 years old, to be BAWLING as we leave? Her friend, L, was cute and perfect and happy. Including the discussion on the car ride home about how she's finally just kicked the paci habit.

Jesus Christ, what? SHE kicked the paci habit? I swear I am going to lose my mind. That's IT. THAT STINKING PACI IS GOING DOWN (yes, she still uses it to sleep).

And so the paci shall receive the brunt of today's punishment.