Everybody has a story

I'm at the Kansas City airport. The News channels are blasting at me. It's the #1 thing I hate about airports. Even more than TSA. News channels blasting crap at me I don't want to hear or need to hear. It feels like poison, even if part of me would like to be informed enough to have an intelligent conversation about tax cuts or health care. Oh well. I'll take blissful ignorance over anger and depression anyday.

Last night I gave a keynote address at another McNair scholars student conference. It seems last year I did a good handful of these, but this year, just this one. I was asked to do a few but this one was the only one that worked with my schedule. They heard about me from a man named MH, who heard me give this speech the very second time I ever did, which was in 2007 when Anna was 6 months old. (I gave this speech before, way back in 2002 but nothing like the 2007 version). MH is a director of McNair programs in Oklahoma. In 2008 I was asked to give my speech at a few other student conferences and it seemed I was running into MH at every one. In the elevator, in the hallways. The first time I ran into him, he told me how much he enjoyed my speech and recited things from it that I forgot I even said. THAT blew my mind. Every year I do one of these conference I expect to see him, and as usual, last night I did. He sat in the back "enjoying" my speech as always and then afterwards we had a long talk. He can see my growth every time I give this speech. It seems every year we talk a little more and more because we are meant to. Last night I was telling him I couldn't understand why students CRIED last night during my speech. Seriously, I'm just telling my story. My friends know my story and nobody cries ;) . He had some pretty powerful words that reosnated with me and made a lot of sense. Right down to the soul's purpose. Holy shit. Finally I realized why I suddenly feel fine if I never am an astronaut (remember THAT post)? I didn't know why it suddenly hit me that I'm content and happy and if I'm never selected to be an astronaut, all is still right. I thought that was weird and I'd turned into one of "THOSE" adults whose life suddenly had meaning just cause I had a kid and gotten "wise" in my years (HA!). But what it really means is that I'm happy just being "who I am". Whew, what a relief. He's right, I'm just happy being who I am. I may not be an astronaut. Granted, life has its ups and downs and I don't expect to escape the intensely horrible DOWNS but for now, and for the past few years, I can see why things happen when they do and why.

Ironically, the whole premise of why I've lived my life the way I have is based on something an astronaut told me when I was in high school. When I asked him the typical question he'd probably heard 99,999 times before, "What would you suggest I do to become an astronaut," he gave the same answer I've since heard them give 99,999 times over: "nobody's guaranteed to get to BE an astronaut. Even the greatest people. So just have fun, whatevery you do along your way." Was this the whole reason my sould even wanted me to pursue the astronaut thing? Just so I could take a field trip to JSC in high school and hear this astronaut's canned reply that ended up resonating with me the rest of my life? (And oh by the way, space is pretty cool anyway).

That plus the fact that I found my soul mate when I was in middle school. I think we made some pact before we were born to hurry up and find each other early in life to make the most of it :) I'll never be able to quantify his impact on my life.

But really I tell the stuents there's nothing magical about me. I never understand really inside why I keep being asked to do these presentations, other than the fact that I look good on paper. Really I took the same path they did. Maybe my advantage comes in trying to tune out the noise. Our human existance is so full of NOISE and DRAMA and nonsense messages. It's maddening and much of it is just fabrication; a result of our physical existance.

It's probably why I hate the news.

If people could tune out the noise, I think it might be easier. Some people (my mother) have accused me of being cold-hearted and non-caring. That's not it. It's what comes across when I'm tuning out the nonsense, the drama, and junk that is not important to happiness or survival. I'm not saying I can tune it out all the time. Like the airport CNN and FOX channels blasting out opposing messages at me and I forgot hy headphones so I have to hear it, that's life. It's everywhere and I, like everyone else, can get caught up in impatience at home and complacency at work and loss of physical energy and frustration with things I can't control. But the drama of all of that is dangerous if it becomes internalized and if life is taken personally.

I'm at a point in life where I get the main message, even if the details are constantly being finely tuned: that is, everyone has a purpose. I don't mean a divine plan, but holy crap, part of my purpose is to radiate something (happiness?) at a level that the room full of students can relate to. It's not even about my NASA title; it's more about a conversation with them that makes them take a second to think about things when otherwise they're in the middle of a bunch of noise. Wow, how lucky am I that this is part of my purpose? Part of my soul's plan before I came into this world. YAY ME!

Well, time to catch my plane. I'm coming home!

Happy Birthday to me!

Today was the first day of fall and my 36th birthday!

Or so I thought until Paul asked, "Well then did we miscalculate MY age?"

Huh?

Re-did the math, I am only turning 35! Wow, I just gained back a whole additional year of my life :) So that's cool but then I'm wondering what the hell happened to 34? When did I forget my age?

Oh well, I hear this happens alot.

Anna's been talking all week abouot how she wants to get me purple shoes and a birthday cake for my birthday "party". I got a text from Paul at around 3:30pm today that said, "I think she's serious about the shoes. What size do you wear?"

I understand Paul talked her out of a pair of $160 purple heels and a purple be-dazzled back pack before she settled on pink converse. As it turns out, she got herself a pink pair and Paul got a black pair so now we all "match".

We ate ice cream cake for dinner and Anna's comments here and there made me realize she was expecting a REAL party. With lots of gifts with paper and bows and stuff. So I did my best to pretend we were having a little birthday party, just the 3 of us.

Then we went outside to play for a little while, since the weather was nice enough we weren't sweating our butts off. Even though the mosquitos were still in full force.

Otherwise it was a pretty normal day. It's good for me since I like my normal days. But I did skip my morning run :)

Peace.

> Shuttle commander Mark Kelly is here presenting about Twitter at the NASA Advisory Committee. He likes that PAO doesn't interfere with their tweets.
>
> 4 minutes later as we look through his twitter stream on screen, NASA Watch tweets: "@shuttlecdrkelly pushes the envelope with Twittering without PAO censoring. He just doesn't care. EXCELLENT!"
>
> Hilarious how viral this is! The NASA watch guys are on the line listening to this meeting and tweeted it right away. Viral!!!
>
> Hilarious!

41 hours

This weekend I had 41 hours by myself, with paul and Anna away. I'm used to being away from them, but usually it's ME doing the leaving.

This time Paul realized at the last minute that he had a training class in Austin on Saturday. Since I also had a class on Saturday here in Houston, that was an Anna schedule conflict. I could cancel. Instead he suggested he take Anna out to Austin with him so she could hang with my mom.
And so I had a day or two to think of all the possibilites I could use my off-duty time for. Not only could I do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted, I didn't have to feel guilty or rushed about it. It's not like I'm never allowed to do what I want when she's here, it's just that it's never the same quality. Hard to explain but whatever I'm doing, if I'm not with her, and she's at home, I feel rushed to get home. If I'm trying to get stuff done at home, no matter how good she is or how well she plays on her own, I still have that self-imposed sense of urgency to finish the task and get back to Anna. The feeling is always there when I'm not with her.

So what do I choose to do in my 41 hours alone? Slow down the clock, ofcourse. And lay low. And sleep in a little. When they left Friday night I had an exam to write and I left the TV on Nick Jr to keep me company. I was surprised my this conscious decision. Nothing else seemed right. Certainly not silence. Nothing too grown up.

Every weird sound had me glance up at her monitor reflexively, but it wasn't even on. She wasn't in the house. She wasn't up in her bed. Weird but I was a little sad. Didn't expect this.

Did I sleep in on Sat? No. I had already committed to a 6 mile run with my run group at 5:45am (committed before I found out I'd be alone and could have otherwise slept in, whatever that may mean these days).

After I declined their invitation for coffee bc mama had a list of stuff to do that involved a car wash and a slow shopping day before my training started at 1:00. After the car wash, a tiny bit of shopping, I opted to just go home and chill instead of the mall. It's not often I chill at home quietly. But first, lunch at cafe express.

My class got out at 4:00, an hour early! So back to the house to finish a writing project related to licensing our exercise machine. When I finished that sooner than planned, it was ordered-in dinner, wine, and pay per view.

In my mind, decadent.

At 3:36am the TV in the living room blasts on. Spooked by myself. I blame the cat.

Sunday I sleep in! I discover that this means wake up at around 8, and laying in bed till around 9. I got to doing stuff around the house before I realized I hadn't eaten breakfast. I guess I wasn't driven by the 7:30 wake up and breakfast of the usual weekend schedule.

I spent the rest of the morning racing towards a house that was cleaned with thought, rather than routine. Little stuff that had been hanging around was put away properly. Corners were cleaned. Stair rails dusted. Cat fur vacuumed in the chairs we never sit in. Coupons cleared and clipped. Even made it to the grocery store.

And what, you thought I'd be hitting the town with my peeps or something in my 41 hours?

And then they arrived home and the momentum swung back towards the speed of reality. Anna's play date (Her friend K from shool finally) was coming in a few hours and then Monday starts another week.

Good night!

Anna’s loving her new class so much! Last weekend was a holiday and we told her we were going to her Nanee’s camp in the swamp (which she always loves) and instead of “YAY!” she said, “but I want to go to school! I LIKE school!”

 

I had to explain to her that her school’s closed for the holiday and that she can tell her teacher and new friends about the swamp when she gets back. On Monday night, she asked if we have school tomorrow and I said yes, her response was “Oh I’m so EXCITING to go to school!”

 

She very much is enjoying the new class and there’s not been a tear at drop off since…oh wait, this morning she went to give me a big SNAP (hand trick) good-bye and fell over, and slammed into a chair. So much for looking cool ;) At any rate, she kisses me and runs off to see what Ms. A is about to start talking about. She comes home with some impressive work as well, and she’s been progressing through her letter and number recognition with me (and they do that in class some days too, depending on the curriculum for the day) so I think it’s all going well.

 

She may not be in the other decked out 3 yr old classroom that has “Mrs. J’s students are STARS!” written on the door with pictures of each kid’s face inside of an astronaut space suit (DAMMIT!) but she’s thriving, excited, and doing well. No more tears.

 

So screw it, I guess it wasn’t separation anxiety as much as it was boredom all summer. Noted.